Halloween Jokes for Kids:
| Why didn't the mummy have any friends? (Because he was wrapped up in himself!)What road has the most ghosts haunting it? (A dead end!) Why is there a gate around cemeteries? (Because people are dying to get in!) What do ghosts eat on Halloween? (Ghoulash!) Where do ghosts go when they're sick? (To the witch doctor!) What position does a ghost play in soccer? (Ghoulie!) What are a ghost's favorite pants? (Boo jeans!) What monster plays tricks on Halloween? (Prank-enstein!) What room is useless for a ghost? (A living room!) What do sea monsters eat for lunch? (Fish and ships!) What did the skeleton order for dinner? (Spare ribs!) What do you call a skeleton who won't work? (Lazy bones!) What's a monster's favorite place to swim? (Lake Eerie!) How do you make a skeleton laugh? (Tickle her funny bone!) Where should a 500 pound monster go? (On a diet!) Why did the vampire get thrown out of the haunted house? (Because he was a pain in the neck!) What did Dracula say about his girlfriend? (It was love at first bite!) Why did the vampire flunk art class? (Because he could only draw blood!) What do you get when you cross a teacher and a vampire? (A blood test!) What's the problem with twin witches? (You can't tell which witch is which!) Why do witches fly on brooms? (Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!) What do you call witches who live together? (Broom-mates!) What do you do with a green monster? (Wait until she's ripe!) What do witches ask for at hotels? (Broom service!) What do little monsters eat? (Alpha-bat soup!) What do ghosts use to clean their hair? (Sham-boo!) Why didn't the zombie go to school? (He felt rotten!) Why did the cyclops stop teaching? (Because he only had one pupil!) Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story? (Because there are so many plots there!) | Why are graveyards noisy? (Because of all the coffin!)What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit? (Straw-berries!) Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize? (Because he was out standing in his field!) What do witches put on their bagels? (Scream cheese!) Why are vampires tough to get along with? (Because they can be a pain in the neck!) Do you know how to make a witch itch? (You take away the w!) Where does Dracula keep his money? (In a blood bank!) What subject in school is easy for a witch? (Spell-ing!) How does a witch tell time? (With a witch watch!) Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? (Because he couldn't find any body to go with him!) Who won the skeleton beauty contest? (No body!) Where do baby ghosts go during the day? (Dayscare!) What do ghosts like for dessert? (I scream!) What's a monster's favorite play? (Romeo and Ghouliet!) What do witches put on their hair? (Scare spray!) What's a haunted chicken? (A poultry-geist!) How do you fix a jack-o-lantern? (With a pumpkin patch!) What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? (Pumpkin pi!) What breed of dog does Dracula have? (A bloodhound!) What's big, scary, and has three wheels? (A monster riding a tricycle!) Which witch is good when it's dark? (A lights-witch!) What's the best way to talk to a monster? (From afar!) What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? (Go for the juggler/jugular!) What animal is best at baseball? (A bat!) Which circus performers can see in the dark? (The acro-bats!) Why don't bats live alone? (They like to hang out with their friends!) What animal is good at cricket? (A bat!) What happened to the cannibal who was late to dinner? (They gave her the cold shoulder!) |
Halloween Jokes for Adult:
Max: What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
Bill: Tell me.
Max: The scary-go-round and rollerghoster!
Bill: Tell me.
Max: The scary-go-round and rollerghoster!
A ghost had been staying in a bed and breakfast hotel and when he came down for dinner he asked the waitress, "Please can I have two eggs, one tough and one rubbery, really tough bacon and burned, fried bread?"
The waitress said, "Sir, we really can't serve that kind of horrid food here."
The ghost replied, "Well, you did yesterday!"
The waitress said, "Sir, we really can't serve that kind of horrid food here."
The ghost replied, "Well, you did yesterday!"
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.¬
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.¬
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost as they
drove down the street?
Buckle your sheet belt!
drove down the street?
Buckle your sheet belt!
Race: Why don’t ghosts like rain on Halloween?
Harvey: Why?
Race: It dampens their spirits!
Harvey: Why?
Race: It dampens their spirits!
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Q: Why are vampires tough to get along with?
A: Because they can be pains in the neck!
Q: What do you call a single vampire?
A: A bat-chelor.
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have a kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richard's mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives/ex-husbands live.
A: Because they can be pains in the neck!
Q: What do you call a single vampire?
A: A bat-chelor.
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have a kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richard's mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives/ex-husbands live.
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light".
The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I'll have a glass of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light".
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil!" she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"
Q: What did the really ugly man do for a living?
A: He posed for Halloween masks!
Q: What is a childs's favourite type of Halloween candy?
A: Lots a candy!
A few days after Halloween, Sally came home with a bad report card. Her mother asked why her grades were so low.
Sally answered, "Because everything is marked down after holidays!"
Q: What do ghosts eat for breakfast on Halloween?
A: Shrouded Wheat. Ghost Toasties. Scream of Wheat. Terr-fried eggs. Rice Creepies.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie body home?
Peter: Do you like the vampire?
Jack: Yes, it was love at first bite!
Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
A: In a blood bank.
David: Which ghost is the best dancer?
Joseph: I don’t know.
David: The Boogie Man!
Joseph: I don’t know.
David: The Boogie Man!
Q: How do monsters tell their future?
A: They read their horrorscope.
Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
The young ghost went trick or treating.
A nighbor asked her, "Who are your parents?"
"Deady and Mummy," she answered.
Martin: What is a ghost’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Bryan: What?
Martin: Boo and Gold.
Martin: What is a witch’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Bryan: I give up.
Martin: Brew and Gold.
Martin: What is a werewolf’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Bryan: What?
Martin: Pack meetings, of course!
Q: What do call the ratio of a jack-o-lantern’s circumference to it’s diameter?
A: Pumpkin π.
Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it's Halloween...
Q: What do call the ratio of a jack-o-lantern’s circumference to it’s diameter?
A: Pumpkin π.
Q: What did the daddy ghost say to his son?
A: Don't spook until spooken to!
Advice to a witch on a broomstick: "Don't fly off the handle!"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bea.
Bea who?
Bea-ware, tonight is Halloween!
On the morning of Halloween, the teacher told the class, "We'll have only half a day of school this morning."
The children cheered.
Then she said, "And we'll have the second half this afternoon."
This time the children moaned!
There was a haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which 'lived' there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
So what's the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as 'Rocky' in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
Because she has a pumpkin for a coach
and runs away from the ball.
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries...
What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball...
What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving...
What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein...
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...
What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...
What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...
What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...
What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...
What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime...
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
A trombone...
What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets...
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...
What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...
Q: What happened to the guy who didn't pay his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed
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